Forever is composed of Nows

Reflections on the new year

Happy New Year! 2021 was a long one. It was a year of waiting. Despite that, I look back at January of last year and I barely recognise myself. And even though I made a big move halfway across the world in September, most of my growing happened right at home. It probably had something to do with where my roots lie. This year, instead of waiting for the right time to pull them out, I watered them. It made all the difference. I arrived in London as a budding plant.

Einar Jolin

In recent years, as I approach the more gentle changes that supposedly happen after 25, there have been deep grooves in my lifeline. I will try on a thousand selves as the years go by, but likely the majority of them in the first quarter of my life. I’ve tried on a lot this year. Some fit better than others. All the stretching and the molding has made me sore, but it feels good and tender. I am ending the year in the one that feels the most comfortable for the Me of Now, but I know I will grow out of it at some point. I am learning to accept that.

“New Year” by Kate Baer:

Look at it, cold and wet like a newborn 
calf. I want to tell it everything—how we 
struggled, how we tore out our hair and 
thumbed through rusted nails just to 
stand for its birth. I want to say: look how
 far we’ve come. Promise our resolutions. 

But what does a baby care for oaths and
pledges? It only wants to live. 

Susan Sontag wrote: “Kindness, kindness, kindness. I want to make a New year's prayer, not a resolution. I'm praying for courage.” I didn’t make any concrete resolutions in 2021. I set some intentions and followed them as I could, and while positive change should always be encouraged, I think it’s okay to let loose a little and let your feet carry you through. Change will happen, regardless. It’s up to us to steer it in the direction of the Good. I, too, pray for courage, the courage to move through the paths that are right for me. They may not always be the ones I intended to choose, but I imagine every path will have flowers and trees. Those I walked on this year have brought me to a place where I’m happy. Not because of where they’ve lead me, but because they were beautiful.

I wrote in an earlier newsletter about my habit of jotting down good moments as they come. I’ve done this since the beginning of the year, and so far I have 68. A year is full of many, many moments, but doing this has helped me magnify the ones that matter. We have the choice of what we give weight to as we look back. There are many things I did that I’m proud of. As I grow, the weight I give to these may change. But in ten years or twenty, I will still enjoy a nice cup of coffee and a book. I will still enjoy the cool breeze on a hot day. These are the joys that will travel with me across these borders of time.

Forever — is composed of Nows — (690) by Emily Dickinson

Forever – is composed of Nows –
‘Tis not a different time –
Except for Infiniteness –
And Latitude of Home –

From this – experienced Here –
Remove the Dates – to These –
Let Months dissolve in further Months –
And Years – exhale in Years –

Without Debate – or Pause –
Or Celebrated Days –
No different Our Years would be
From Anno Dominies –

If I’m being honest, 2022 freaks me out. It’s the year I graduate from university and start my career, the first year of my life where I have no idea what lies ahead. After June, it’s all fog. I’ll be thinking about my future, of course, but I’ll try not to give much weight to those things. Rather, I’ll take it day by day, moment by moment. These moments will dissolve all the borders, so I can finally look at life in its infiniteness. They are the flowers. They are the trees.

Further Reading

“New Year’s Day” by Kim Addonizio

“Fresh” by Naomi Shihab Nye

“Everything That Was Broken” by Mary Oliver

Virginia Woolf’s New Year’s Resolutions

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What I Enjoyed This Year

Books

I fell back in love with reading this year. I read 32 books and many, many poems. The best thing I did for myself is set a reasonable goal and forgo all limits. I ignored the pressure of the canon and simply read what I found to be enjoyable. That was the secret for me, but I was incredibly motivated by literary conversations with my friends and the internet. That was my favorite part, above all.

• Writers and Lovers by Lily King

• Know My Name by Chanel Miller

• Nothing to See Here by Kevin Wilson

• On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong

• Honorable mentions: Autumn by Ali Smith, Crying in H-Mart by Michelle Zauner, My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Otessa Moshfegh, People We Meet On Vacation by Emily Henry

Music

(2021 Releases)

• Sling by Clairo

• Jubilee by Japanese Breakfast

• Good Luck To You, Girl Scout! by The Black Skirts

• evermore by Taylor Swift

• LILAC by IU

and a Spotify playlist of my favorite songs I listened to this year!

Film + TV

• Gilmore Girls (TV, Amy Sherman-Palladino)

• The French Dispatch (dir. Wes Anderson)

• Luca (dir. Enrico Casarosa)

• Sex Education (TV, Laurie Nunn)

• When Harry Met Sally (dir. Rob Reiner)

• Silver Linings Playbook (dir. David O. Russell)

• Start-Up (TV, Oh Choong-hwan)

I am so happy and grateful to be here. Thank you all for being such a special part of my 2021. May 2022 be kind (and gentle).

<3

Tara