Crying in the Whole Foods Freezer Aisle

And other good moments

Tuesday was a low day. I spent nearly all of it in bed, but I drove to Whole Foods after dinner — more so for a nice moonlight drive with myself, but also because I’ve been wanting to try the new Milk Bar ice cream. I got there with ten minutes to spare, hesitating in the parking lot wondering if it was worth it. But I shuffled in, head low, until I stood staring at a bare freezer with one single pint left: Milk Bar Pie ice cream. The flavor I was looking for. And it was on sale for $3.99.

I can’t explain why I was so overcome with emotion. Still, I let myself lean into it. I walked around the skincare section until my eyes dried and drove home under the warm-toned moon. I ate it with whipped cream. I shared it with my sister.

When my dad helped move me into my student flat in London, we experienced a lot of moments like that. We struck up a conversation with strangers and they happened to know my aunt. The corner store by my place was run by Afghans, who shared my language and gave me a slice of home. I was reassured. This is where I’m supposed to be. These are moments of belonging. Five months later, I returned to the U.S, in light of the pandemic. I would be home for the next 18 months.

What was the point of those moments of belonging when I didn’t belong there at all? I asked my dad this in frustration. He’s been through this cycle many times. I’ve always wondered how he still has faith. It lies in being content with how things are, he told me. Not how they could have been. Sometimes, moments like that won’t have meaning or explanation. You just have to lean into them. In all their ordinary-ness.

My favorite poem of all time is The Orange by Wendy Cope:

At lunchtime I bought a huge orange—
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It’s new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I’m glad I exist.

It’s been hard navigating the beginnings of adulthood in a pandemic. I’m staring down a road with no streetlights. But this poem convinced me to turn left, to go down the bright road, even if it’s one I already know. I’ll just sink myself in the present until I find my way forward again. I don’t know what the future will look like. So I’ll take it day by day, as long as I can have more “I’m glad I exist” moments.

Teapot and Citrus by Lena Rivo

In the past year, in my post-Wendy-Cope-The-Orange era, I’ve been documenting these moments as little reminders to myself that good feelings do exist, even if they are fleeting. I have 40 so far. Here are a few of my favorites:

• March 22, 2021, #22 — on a picnic bench by the water journalling with my best friend. I am thankful for my goosebumps and the transparent moon.

• February 24, 2021, #19: at work. the window is open and it’s a beautiful day. the house across the street has pinwheels in the yard and i can hear them fluttering. i met a dog named cricket

• September 21, 2020, #3: reading by the fireplace at 10:30. dad’s putting away the dishes and i have banana bread in the oven. the lights are on mostly to keep me from falling asleep

• December 2, 2020, #8: in a local bookshop with good company. it’s decorated for Christmas and it’s cold outside. we are holding hot chocolates and a dog walks around

• May 24, 2021, #31: hugging my best friend for the first time in 18 months in the produce section of a whole foods

If you’re not a journalling person, I really recommend jotting down those moments in your notes app or in a small notebook. I didn’t realize how often they come about until I did that, and things don’t seem so bad after all. This is peace and contentment. It’s new.

More on Good Moments

• “Try to Praise The Mutilated World” by Adam Zagajewski

• “Meanwhile” by Richard Siken

• “Invitation” by Mary Oliver

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What I Enjoyed This Week

Recent Reads

• People We Meet On Vacation by Emily Henry. I don’t normally gravitate towards romance novels, but I really liked her debut, Beach Read, and I liked this one even more. I’ve found that I prefer balanced love stories — this was not only a really wonderful depiction of a friendship-turned-relationship, but it explored so much about identity and belonging. And Emily Henry writes hugs really well. 5/5!

• “It is not impossible to survive— ” by Lauren K. Alleyne. You are not broken, but rearranged. A really stunning perspective on trauma and healing. I never thought of it this way.

Other Wonderful Things

• Lorde’s Stoned At The Nail Salon. The last time she released music, I was 17. I listened to Melodrama on the plane back from a week-long retreat on the Salmon River in Idaho with my classmates and my favorite English teacher. It feels like a lifetime ago now. I was so eager to grow up, but I’d do anything to go back and read poetry under the stars again. It’s funny how things come full circle, as Lorde writes about slowing down, savoring the moment, moving along when the time comes. Well, my hot blood’s been burning for so many summers now / It’s time to cool it down, wherever that leads. Fitting, huh?

• Frog and Toad Bot on Twitter. I have their notifications on. I never read these books (by Arnold Lobel) as a kid, but I’ve found a love for them recently, and now I believe they’re actually for adults. It’s full of the most simple acts of love and living. I like this one in particular: My seeds will not grow,' said Toad. / 'You are shouting too much,' said Frog, 'These poor seeds are afraid to grow.'

• This short interview by Ada Limón. She discusses the impact of poetry and how it offers us a “religion of noticing things” in the middle of an overwhelming informational age. It’s from 2010, but I find it to be even more timely now.

Hope your week is full of Good Moments.

Talk soon,

<3

Tara

P.S. Thank you so much for all the love on the last newsletter. It feels really good to be writing again — I hope you’ll stay for a while. Love U!!!!!

(The thumbnail of this post is Cold Case by Wayne Thibaud.)