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To us, let us forgive ourselves

We’ve made it past the gentle beginning of January. For me, that included trying to balance an intense and long finals season with moments of self-care. I think I did okay, but I still needed time to heal afterward. I gave myself a few days to read and see some friends, but I knew that the rest period was over when the anxiety started creeping back in. There is a constant dialogue among my classmates about our dissertations. They’re not due for a few months, but there’s a quiet underlying anxiety that will continue to echo in the empty space of our much-needed moments of relaxation. I could be working on that now, I should be working on that now. Why am I not working on that now?

Alan Watts wrote: “Stop measuring the days by degree of productivity and start experiencing them by degree of presence.” I think this is a really hard practice to implement, as society tends to reward us for productivity. I find that I’ve been kind of doing it subconsciously, though. On Saturdays or Sundays, I sit down to write my newsletter, and sometimes words just don’t come out. I’m worried about other things, my brain isn’t attached to my body. It floats somewhere above me, buzzing. Writing is something you have to be present for. I leave my laptop and go for a walk, read a bit, or make a cup of tea. I wait for that itch to arrive, for my brain to re-connect with my heart, and then the words usually flow out. But it takes time. The hard part isn’t getting myself to take a break, it’s forgiving myself for it.

by Carolyn Pyfrom

Jared Singer wrote in his poem “Things to Do When Not Taking Your Sleeping Pills,”:

Admit why you do not take your sleeping pills:
the only time your brain gets quiet is when it is
sleep addled.

Forgive yourself these tiny acts of self-destruction.
Watch the sunrise for the fourth time this week.
Allow the new day to give you hope.

I went to my creative writing class on Tuesday morning and planned to do work at the library afterward. I left class completely exhausted. It felt like every piece of information I was fed felt one hundred times heavier than it usually was. I bought myself lunch and ate it on a bench, walked halfway to Oxford Street before giving in to the ache of my body, and my feet sluggishly carried me onto a bus home. I took a long nap on my couch and woke up drenched in guilt. I tried to load up on rest so I didn’t need it, but you can’t plan for these things. I was tired, but most of all, I just didn’t feel like myself. I waited for midnight to arrive and hoped that the promise of a new day would slide me back into place. I understood what I needed and I surrendered myself to rest. I know that the literal definition isn’t possible every day and that society has a long way to go before we reach a true work/life balance. But rest can take many forms. It can be as simple as ordering pizza instead of cooking, postponing laundry day, asking a friend to rain-check. Sometimes, you just need to make it to 00:00 as easily as you can. It marks the moment when things begin again. “When the world holds its breath for a moment,” wrote BTS in their song 00:00. “Like that snow that just settled on the ground, let’s breathe as if this is the beginning.”

A member of BTS, RM, wrote a lovely and reflective letter in 2015 about self-love and forgiveness. Here is a translation of it, slightly paraphrased:

The phrase "love yourself" can only be spoken by those who truly love themselves, but for a majority of people who can't, "love yourself" is like an unattainable flickering flame. So the keywords [of love] that I embodied from my point of view are "courage" and "forgiveness." Maybe we don't have the courage to face the ugly sides of ourselves, so if one day we can finally face ourselves then in the end, maybe we can truly start loving ourselves. I suddenly thought that everything happens because of courage (…) There's nothing braver than being able to forgive. I want to live a life where i can really forgive myself. Loving myself is finally forgiving myself. (…) There are a lot of things in this world that happens beyond our control.
To us, let us forgive ourselves.

He was my age when he wrote this. I think about this a lot, the tie between self-love and forgiveness, and how forgiving yourself sometimes needs more courage than pushing through whatever you need to forgive yourself for. Self-love is a long and complicated path, and I’m not sure if it has an end. But I do know that, like every relationship, respect is the first step. Listening to what your body tells you, allowing yourself pardon when your steps feel disconnected or when the words coming out of your mouth don’t feel like they’re yours. When I forgive myself, I find that that virtue extends outwards, and I’m more patient with the world. And maybe one day, I won’t have to forgive, because there won’t be any shame. For now, though, I just feel what I feel and work with it instead of against it. I wait for the passing of the day, knowing there is an opportunity for me to start over, and trusting that I will do what I need to do when that time comes. There is possibility. There will always be possibility.

Further Reading

“Monday” by Alex Dimitrov

“Do Not Be Ashamed” by Wendell Berry

“Resolution” by William Brewer

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What I Enjoyed This Week

Recent Reads

• Five Tuesdays in Winter by Lily King. Writers and Lovers was my favorite novel of last year, so I had pretty high expectations for this, but it did not disappoint. Lily King is an incredibly gentle, empathetic writer. She uses such kind language and creates the most intimate characters. Each story ended in an epiphany, and they were each so tender throughout. My favorites were “Creature”, “Five Tuesdays in Winter”, “When in Dordogne”, and “Waiting for Charlie”.

• “February” by Alex Dimitrov. The morning of February 1st I was so excited to re-read the monthly Dimitrov poem. Everyone and their miniature triumphs / No, they can’t convince me that love wasn’t our best invention. How funny (how fitting?) that the coldest month at the tail-end of winter is also the month of love.

Other Wonderful Things

• Mitski’s Laurel Hell. This was definitely worth the wait. It’s a representation of uneasiness, the complications of being human, with a highlight of 80s pop. It’s full of the trademark Mitski feeling: hearing a lyric and being like oh shoot, okay, yeah. Relating to a feeling you didn’t even know you had. It’s full of that inward-facing pandemic-related reflection we’ve all felt too much of but maybe haven’t had a chance to see represented. My favorites are “Stay Soft” and “That’s Our Lamp”, the latter mostly for its incredible instrumental riff at 1:28.

• I had the best cinnamon roll of my life this week from Buns From Home in Notting Hill. I will be thinking of the pistachio one forever (at least until I have it again, then the cycle will continue).

• I’ve been spending time off of Twitter and time is moving much, much slower. I am thankful for it.

• This song, this song, this song. Playlist is here.

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed.

<3

Tara